I Lied Every Time I Said Forever & Always

Life can be so funny in a sick way and so extremely perfect in a debilitating way. You can be doing fine for so long and then one night you think back to the past and what you would have been doing a year or two ago and realize how much everything has changed. Someone who meant so much to you at one point is no where to be found. Obviously there are valid reasons they didn’t make it to today but just thinking about it forces you to analyze and reinforce why and where it went wrong.

You remember the feelings and you miss those. Then your heart teams up with your mind and starts playing tricks on you. You only remember the good times when you miss someone, conveniently leaving out the bad times. You forget about the nights you missed out on trying to fix things with him and neither of you could communicate. You forget about the mornings after you went to sleep crying because you just couldn’t fake it anymore but you still did. You remember the one night he surprised you with flowers and made dinner but you’ll make yourself forget you saw that text he sent her. You remember the way he would hold your hand in the car and mumble along to your favorite songs because he didn’t know the words. You remember his cologne and whenever you pass by someone who smells just like him all of those memories hit you like a ton of bricks. Of course you remember that stuff because that’s what made you feel special, that’s what you thought love was. Neither of you wanted to quit on love so you throw it around and hope you can build meaning as time goes on.

Every couple fights, right? And it’s my fault he knows I’m not fine when I say I am, right? Passion is healthy and so are second thoughts. Sooner or later, one of you will come to your senses and end it. We move on but never cut ties because our motto always was “If it’s meant to be, it will be”. In the meantime you’ll see me in other relationships and think I must be happy now. We’ll check on each other every once in a while but never ask if we’re seeing other people. Then one night, like tonight, I’ll see you giving a beautiful girl a piggyback ride and be sick to my stomach. You have the biggest smile on your face and I don’t think I ever made you that happy. I’m happy you’re happy to be honest. It stings because you were mine first that’s all. I’ll write about it, get it out of my system and I’ll keep going because I lied when I said “I’ll love you forever and always”.

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