A co-worker asked me why I’ve been looking bummed lately. This kid has no connection to me and I wouldn’t expect him to care but for him to say something means I haven’t been myself lately. So, it made me stop working, stop running around, and stop planning for a second to try and figure out what’s changed. I still don’t know why but at least I’m acknowledging it after hearing it from friends, family, and now co-workers.
Why would I be sad? Let’s see… maybe I’m sad because I work non-stop and care about what I do much more than anyone else I work with does. Maybe because I go without much appreciation or credit for handling other people’s huge accounts and still do it with a smile. But, I kick ass so no, that’s not it. I just want it to pay off.
Maybe it was because too many exes decided to contact me in the same week, which was overwhelming and obviously dug up some old memories, good and bad- mostly bad. Or maybe, because none of them get the hint and get mad at me when they try to play games that I refuse to participate in. I give no shits about any of them and there’s never a chance of anything happening other than being friends. But, when you’re such a dumbass how can I have you as one of my friends? That’s just annoying, not sad.
Maybe it’s because all my friends have their own shit going on that they don’t even ask about what’s going on in my life anymore and just talk about their relationships. I get it, I work a lot and I don’t have interesting stories or adventures to talk about as of lately but any effort would mean so much. That kind of sucks, but i have my dog to listen to me so no, not the root of the problem here.
I kind of hate myself right now because I know I haven’t been taking care of my body. It’s just so unbelievably impossible to get my ass to the gym sometimes. I know if I start running and lifting consistently again I will feel 10x better but I have yet to find any motivation or ambition to get there. So, until then I’ll procrastinate and eat my ice cream. It’s insane how long it takes to get in shape and then how quickly you’re out of shape after missing only one day. WHY IS EVERYTHING SO HARD?
I think I’m just tired of the routine. I’m tired of waking up with enough time to barely make myself presentable just to sit in traffic to get on the train only to walk another 20 minutes to the office. Once I leave the office it takes an hour and half to get home and then within two hours I’m passed out in a dead sleep before I have to wake up to different bullshit and do it all over again. I don’t want to go out. I don’t want to talk to anyone. Nothing. I’m fed up with the routine. I’m not sad; I’m just exhausted. And, the darkness until 7am and darkness before 6pm bullshit doesn’t help me.