You think girls are confusing? We think guys are confusing. I’m about to break a rule and dish a little about why we’re all about you and then just… not in .02 seconds.
- We probably have 7 other boyfriends and you’re just not keeping things interesting enough. You have do enough but not too much, you know? I can’t really go into specifics here because I’m not even sure how to explain this one. You just know when you know it’s too much.
- You play games because you think you’re a player but I win. We can talk everyday for months and go on three dates a week but once I see that you’re switching your style up on me by waiting for me to text you after we’ve dome the same thing for the past 49 days. No. Why fix something that isn’t broken? You break it? Don’t expect me to clean up the mess or even care.
- This feeling you feel? It’s one-sided. I’m sorry I don’t feel it back and I have plenty of friends. I’m not really needing another one to worry about. Please, don’t tell me about all of your feelings. Every guys has so many feelings gushing everywhere these days.
- We see something we don’t like. Once I found out that a guy who I really got along with had nipple piercings so I ghosted him. Why? Because that was such unfamiliar territory and I didn’t understand why a guy would get a body piercing. Especially on his nipples. I like when I know what to expect and when I saw that snap chat, I was dumbfounded. I like to think I’m more open-minded now and less judgy and wouldn’t disappear on someone before I even got a chance to say, “Are you into that stuff or did you lose a bet?”
- I tell you I’m busy and then you ask if you can hang out at the nail salon with me while I get a mani and pedi. I shit you not. That was asked of me. I stopped even looking at him and we still had the rest of our senior year to ride out. Ugh, I’m really not a shitty person. I love my alone time and I just KNOW I can’t enjoy getting my feet rubbed on with you there. This is my safe place. MINE.
- I found out you talked/kissed/texted/googled one of my close girlfriends. It doesn’t make a difference how blackout you were, I don’t go after seconds. That’s the biggest turn-off. Oh, you really wanted to talk to me that night? Well, you should have and kept your tongue in your own mouth and there wouldn’t be any problems now. I should mention even if it was a girl that I had one conversation with and I decided she’s good in my book, I still wouldn’t be into it. My loyalty is to her before you.
- You text me more than I talk to my mother. Don’t you have any hobbies? Friends? A job where you do things that keep you busy? Tinder?
- You only talk to me through Snap chat. Fuck that. Not doing it. Not even getting into it. You cannot tell me that you actually have real, solid conversations through a picture and one tiny line of text.
- You don’t have any other concerns in life besides your hangover. Complain about working late constantly, or how hard it is to find a suitable place of your own, or how many bills you have. Feel free to tell me all about your real world grown up problems. If you’re unemployed and not proactively looking, still living at home, sponging every penny out of your parents, and have no direction in life then don’t even waste your breath sharing your story with me. You’re not a man. You’re a man child and the most unattractive kind.
- You did the hot to cold thing on me first. You made me think this was going somewhere and then you left and now you’re back. I’ll ride it out for a while and then I’ll do the same exact thing to you. Confused yet?
*Bonus: You took too long. I kept giving you the benefit of the doubt. We went on three dates and you didn’t make a move. We talked for weeks and weeks and all you did was say “we should get drinks soon” but didn’t follow through. C’mon man.
After re-reading this a few times, I realized that this became less of a generalization that all girls would understand and more stacey-specific. Hopefully you can relate to at least a few points, otherwise, I need to step back and reflect on what my problems really are.