This is why I hate dating. And relationships. And relying on anyone other than myself. I’m a tough chick. I don’t catch feelings easy. I don’t go from relationship to relationship because I’m scared of being alone. I’m good alone. I’m comfortable alone. I’m also comfortable getting to know someone and having a good time while doing so. I’m good with hanging out and loathe using the term dating. We don’t need to label anything. Honestly, no label is, indeed, a label- a very strong one at that- but that could be a whole other blog post.
Let me paint you a picture: Here I am in San Fransico on business and I’m in my hotel room, my mascara is all over my face because of that stupid water that flows from your eyes when you’re sad. I’m sad over a text message. One that I initiated and was totally aware of where it would lead me but I had that hope of a 1% chance of a happy ending. I’m sad as hell. Want to know why? Because something is ending that I don’t want to. Because I had opened up to someone wholeheartedly and for one big reason it’s not going the way I want it to. The reason is a big one, just trust me on that.
Phew, I needed to talk to someone about this. Thank you Mr. Internet, for all of my virtual friends. I wasn’t in a relationship. I wasn’t dating this person. There were just a lot of feelings being felt and talked about that I knew should not have been. But here we are. I did it anyways. The background is more complicated but basically it’s an old thing that was never titled but always there and never really closed the door on. I mean, I never close my door. It’s an open door. Focus… Back to the pretty picture…
I literally threw my phone across the room and ran into the bathroom because I started crying. You should have seen me! I was like the robot in the movie that cries for the first time and they don’t know what’s going on and think they’re malfunctioning. I don’t even know the last time I cried. Ugly face, red eyes, sniffly nose is all that I am right now. I don’t know if letting all that out of me is making me feel better or writing this. I’m getting to my point, I promise.
Again, no commitment was made between him and I. But, we admitted a lot of mutual feelings. Again, ONE big live reason was obvious and swept under the rug for about a week until I needed to talk about my feelings and the conclusion was that we needed to not continue.
BUT, oh my God, looking at myself right now, imagine that I was in a relationship with this person. I feel so much sadness right now that I can only imagine it’d be 100fold if we were dating. That realization is one that’s freaking me out and I wonder: Is this why Millennials suck at dating? We can’t communicate our feelings because we don’t want them to be hurt or feel rejected or invest our time and emotions to get no ROI in the end? What is with us? When did asking someone to be their girlfriend become more scary than moving to a new city for a company that doesn’t even know your name. Yeah, it absolutely sucks to have your heart broken but seriously, how freaking awesome is it when you spend time with someone you love. When they hold your hand? Ask about your day? When they listen? Or simply hug you- it’s the best hug ever because it’s from someone you adore, you know. Maybe this time it hurt because I could see myself with them… Down the road… Relocating. Doing whatever but just doing it all together. You know? Words aren’t enough, I guess. And distance does not make the heart grow fonder but instead, it just screws everything up. This case was the only time I’d do long distance for however long necessary.
Please, millennials, don’t cheat yourself out of a good thing because you’re trying to focusing so much on building the foundation of your life that you lose sight of someone that can make you happy.
Now I have to do that whole thing where I reset my days. I won’t look for good morning texts from him. No more snapchats. No more nothing. Keep busy with work per usual. *eye roll*